I like to be strong - with you or without you, without ever having to convice myself.
I want to have casually walked along the streets of Brugge with you, slipping away every now and then for a glass of Chimay Trippel. One summer we would have climbed the trails in Cinque Terre, overlooking the sea and asking people along the way where the best place is to sleep under the stars, if that's okay with them. Maybe afterward, because that part of the world is not as original as it used to be (though still beautiful and neither of us could deny that), we'd marvel the Bab Monsour and despite others' trepidation, making friends with other enigmatic nomads and locals is really quite easy and with an open heart, we find it's the best hospitality we've every experienced. In retrospect, that was the most romantic spot we incidentally discovered. We like to be original, that's how we would have been to everyone we know.
Instead, this time, I know that we will just meet as friends. And we should meet, so you can see how strong I can be about it.
Would you like to entertain me coming to you with a cold heart? One that is masking a bruise with a lackadaisical smirk? I can tell you I have other plans now, that I couldn't depend on you. Perhaps that way, I'll give an air of mystery and you'll be curious. Perhaps, you'll try to fix it, like they do in every other relationship I observe around me.
Because I like to be strong, and I'd like you to remember me that way, I will let the things you said cut deep. Even if what you said was out of pure unadulterated honesty, I'd like to be unforgiving for just one day. I would like it to hurt and bewildered, because I want a reason to be strong.
I'd like to walk away from you now.
I'd like to regret the day I ever met you. I'd like to tell you that I take back all I said and all the time I spent thinking of you. I'd take back the letters and the pictures and I'd especially like to take back that package I sent you - the one you said you really wanted but that I stressed about for weeks because deep down I knew I'd feel stupid about it in the end - the one that was sent back two times but you said you really wanted and I so wanted to be that girl for you so I basically paid for it three times. I'd like to take back remembering all that I put in there for you, reminding you that I listen to the things you talk about...
.....I'd like to tell you that you weren't worth it in the end.
I'll spend the day alone again. I unpack everything I put into this, examining all its crooked angles. I'll shake my head especially at my endless hoping and dreaming. I'll get back to the things I'm used to doing, like daydreaming about Brugge or a whirlwind hitchhiking adventure to San Sebastian, after seeing my nudist friend in Cadiz who has already stocked his wine cellar for my arrival. I spend time getting to know Spring and inevitably soak up her warmth and assurance of better days coming, that the seasons change and with it, time can only push you forward. I practice my kicking lion.
I practice my dancing shiva.
I reminisce that we are defined by our relationships, not by what we claim to be. but I would like to be strong.
So would you rather see me with my door [and heart] open and waiting for you at a cafe I've never heard of with a second cappuccino? I think I'd like that more. It feels more me.
We'll talk about how good it is to see each other and tip toe around the awkward obligation we feel to each other. Maybe we'll finally get around to discovering each other's favorite songs and books, and that you really don't like cappuccino at all.
So, I relent.
I'll think of you every now and then, and smile that I never let myself believe that you weren't the man I thought you were.